Don’t use contact arrangements to get at the other partner. If you have difficulty in reaching an agreement, seek out impartial help. The Separating Parents project will help you reach an amicable solution.

How parents’ behaviour can affect children?

If parents argue over who the children will live with or how often they can have contact with the non residing parent, it can cause children emotional upset, and changes in behaviour. Long drawn out court battles have the same effect.

Children feel attached to both parents even when there has been conflict.

Children shouldn’t be made to feel under pressure to side with one parent over another.

It is in the best interests of your child to agree contact, living arrangements and ongoing support. Take a positive co-parenting approach to your family’s future that supports you to continue to be Mum and Dad to your children.

Who can we talk to?

Always remember it’s good to talk. Friends and relatives will want to offer help and support. Avoid using them to side against your former partner - they are still Mum or Dad to your child. You may find it helpful to talk/contact:

• Separating Parents project
• Relate/relationship counsellors.
• Parents interactive websites. These are free and include live chat and SMS services.
• Support for fathers.
• Professional advice from solicitors and citizens advice.

What will children gain from maintaining a good relationship with both parents?

• Stability
• Confidence and positive self esteem
• Security
• Happiness and wellbeing
• Support to achieve their potential

Keeping to regular routines and frequent contact with both parents helps children to feel secure. This supports their ability to build positive relationships with their parents and maintain contact with other family members. Importantly, it enables children to feel confident that adults have their best interests at heart.

How may separation affect the children?

• Children even when very young, can display changes in behaviour as they come to terms with parents separating.
• Separation could result in changes in lifestyle, for example home, school and friends.
• Children can feel vulnerable and insecure as they struggle to come to terms with the changes.

Children do adjust to change but need support, routines and where possible the constant involvement of both parents to enable them to achieve the best outcomes for their future.

How do we decide on contact arrangements?

• Always remember that contact with both parents is for the child’s benefit and welfare.
• The parent who is looking after the children, should encourage contact with the non resident parent.
• Contact should be regular with an agreed procedure if an emergency occurs. Parents should avoid at all costs breaking promises and letting children down. Children hide their disappointment but feel it deeply.